January 8th, 2024

 Today Ishan pushed me to attend the Ed Sheeran concert next week-yet again. He was very persistent the first time around in November, when Sheeran's Dubai dates were first announced. I rejected the proposal at first, to which he seemed to be a bit miffed. He went on with a barrage of eloquent eulogies all pertaining to his talent as a solo performer. At the end of his piece, I was intrigued. Maybe it was just me, I thought. Maybe I have been prematurely dismissive. For the next several days, my Spotify was tuned only to Sheeran. I also checked out his YouTube videos- particularly him performing live on guitar. And I am pleased to report that I realised that his music was even more sucky than what I had imagined it to be. I could not sit through one song. There was soppy lyrics, no melody line to speak of, ordinary singing- just overall there was nothing whatsoever to grab my attention. I was far more moved by Maroon 5 or Coldplay- also groups that get the short shrift by Prog lovers of my ilk. Sheeran was a non-starter for me. And I never got back to Ishan, thinking he would probably realize I would not be interested in attending. 

Until I get yet another narrative singing Sheeran's praises today. I told him politely that I had given him my due- and for the moment I am unmoved. I will take a rain cheque. I also blamed myself- I did the it's not you it's me routine. To which he said, "right looks like you won't be convinced this time. but one fine day if you see the light, you need to call me and tell me". I am like, really?  yes sure I would do that. It would never happen- as I said I did my due diligence, I even paid attention to the lyrics. There was nothing there. But more importantly, I was intrigued at how seriously and personally he was taking the rejection of Sheeran. His selfobject suddenly became one with Sheeran's. Incredibly intriguing.  For me I know so many super talented musicians, who had incredible mass popularity, that did not do anything for me. Prince comes to mind. U2 as well. But that's not to say I don't like any pop star. I love Destiny' Child, Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Coldplay, Michael Jackson, Sting. And I dont mind Springsteen and Taylor Swift. So it is not that I reject anything that is mainstream. Next weekend Kartik will be here. I will ask him if he like Sheeran. I think I already know the answer but some validation from my other musical quarters has now become necessary. Is this not gaslighting? Making me feel that the fault is with me that I don't like what you like?

One of the problems of being a musician, especially who has the chops to perform without anyone is that you are usually unable to collaborate. Any collaboration will somewhat undermine your solo contribution and thereby your solo stature. I still collaborate with another singer-Tilo, wherein she sings lead vocals, and I play an instrument and sing harmonies. Anyone who knows anything about music will know that what I bring to the table here is far more valuable than what she does. Loads of people can sing quite well, but hardly anyone can sing harmonies- not to mention also play the guitar while doing so. But I don't know how I come across to the audience. When they see the performance, do they credit me for it as being the mainstay, or her for it for her lead vocals (which obviously stands out the most in our combined mix) or look at us an entity? This would be an interesting thought experiment.  As the collaboration progresses this year (and I hope it does - and is not railroaded by some other ego-related or non-ego related curveball), I will put the question to some people privately. Maybe I will ask someone else to put the question so I get an unbiased answer. There is nothing like performing music and also using the experience to glean something about the mysterious ways of the mind. Music and Psychology are topics that I am keenly interested in- and it has only taken me 50 years to come to this conclusion. I am not sure if there is an academic endeavour that tries to explore this space, but I suspect there might be. Bill Bruford, I recall has a series of lectures on youtube which showcase his pedantry- but not merely for music as I recall. A revisit is necessary.

As I reflect on musicians I have collaborated with live, I notice how most of them have really ever rooted for me. Ambar in Singapore was the first. He wanted to collaborate but wanted to be the main man. And for me it would be fine if he deserved it- but he didnt.  He was writing his own material and we even performed one song in Bengali. It was strange sounding- but atleast it was original. No issues there. But I recall I wanted to write a song too and somehow that same energy was not shown by him for pursuing this line. Later the same happened with Jhalmuri- our Bengali band.  Only Ari the vocalist was happy to work on my originals- and he actually praised me for some of the writing and arrangements. I recorded some scratches with him but whenever we tried to perform an original as a band- be it our Western or Bangla band, the enthusiasm would never be there with the wider members. And I have often wondered why this was. My empirical conclusion is that it would make me shine more than them - and they would never have that.  Equally when I am told to perform in a party, there is always someone else aroudn who can sing and who, after one or maybe 2 songs from me, will take over and ask me to accompany him or her. Once you do that, there is no coming back to continuing your own performance.  The audience gets dispersed, and the conversation moves to other things. It has to be done in one go. Not to self for next time. If I have a guitar in hand, I will do three songs on the trot and stop. If they want an encore, I will go on for one more but if not, I shall be done for the day- passing the space to others.  Everyone who is a performer will not let you get ahead- they will do whatever is in their power to impede. Priyanka says it is the same for Dancers- so it is really a performance thing.  This theme has verily stayed with me all my life. In my music mostly but also in my work. Although at work, I have much less to shine about- by my very own honest admission. For me, it is just work. I don't create anything- just get stuff done and keep things moving.  But with music, it is so much more intimate that my experience with it is so much more absorbing. I learn about life in such stark detail while practicing what is only a passion and is situated merely subliminally in the hierarchy of my tasks of the day, the week or year.