February 12, 2024

 I have fallen massively behind again. And there was a lot to write about in the last few days but never got around to it. One main reason was work distracI have fallen massively behind again. And there was a lot to write about in the last few days but never got around to it. One main reason was work distraction. I was given a new and more elaborate title at work. I felt really good even though it mean close to nothing. It did not come with more pay, just a few perks here and there. Nothing that would make any difference in the larger scheme of things. But it improved the ego. It took me a few days to get over it. Because the moment this kind of stuff happens, one is suddenly parachuted into a false self-narrative that suggests that I should put more work here, maybe better things can happen than I give it credit for. Maybe it is not a false narrative. At the end of the day, either way it is work. And I only do my work in one way. It is not likely I will do more. And if I did, I would eat into my other objectives, which clearly I am doing. I havent written anything for weeks and it is because, inadvertently this exercise has been somewhat diminished in my eyes. Thank goodness only temporarily until I got back to my senses. The triple personal objectives still hold. Writing, Performing, Excercising. I have begun to feel a bit better so I have started to swim again.

While the boys were away, we had a massive party at our house where as usual we ordered way too much chinese food. As mentioned, Tilo and I had planned a performance which happened, It seemed fine, but the fact is I got the distinct feeling that the men were to really listening. The wife thought the same. She suggested many times to stop and I wanted to. Eventually I did. But there was no stopping a half-drunk Tilo. She went on singing- "Ah my beauty past compare, these jewels bright  I wear". A singer and a live microphone can scarcely be separated even when sober. This was the I have fallen massively behind again. And there was a lot to write about in the last few days but never got around to it. One main reason was work distraction. I was given a new and more elaborate title at work. I felt really good even though it mean close to nothing. It did not come with more pay, just a few perks here and there. Nothing that would make any difference in the larger scheme of things. But it improved the ego. It took me a few days to get over it. Because the moment this kind of stuff happens, one is suddenly parachuted into a false self-narrative that suggests that I should put more work here, maybe better things can happen than I give it credit for. Maybe it is not a false narrative. At the end of the day, either way it is work. And I only do my work in one way. It is not likely I will do more. And if I did, I would eat into my other objectives, which clearly I am doing. I havent written anything for weeks and it is because, inadvertently this exercise has been somewhat diminished in my eyes. Thank goodness only temporarily until I got back to my senses. The triple personal objectives still hold. Writing, Performing, Excercising. I have begun to feel a bit better so I have started to swim again.

It was a Friday afternoon, where I had run helter skelter and before you knew it, the day was done. It was a real challenge to get used to the short Friday.  Especially when the Accounts Payable Manager always called me at 11.30 to complain about something. Before ewe could get into the discussion he had to leave fro prayers. So routinely these had to be dealt with on Monday, if they remained on anyone's active memory. I completed my two direct reports's 2023 performance and 2024 goals. This was not a difficult conversion, both had done well enough.  But they wanted more money, a promotion and just more of all the good stuff. And this made me remember how I felt in Shell. I would try to give them whatever they wanted. I learnt that as a manager you are only as good as what you can bring to someone- both to your subordinates and superiors. Superiors may need you to help them look good professionally, but subordinates need you to help them feel respected and even a bit superior than the world at large. I have never been a hustler and while that may be fine for one's own self, it is no good not being a hustler when you have a large team to manage. They are counting on your hustle. This was a lesson I learnt the hard way in Shell. There is a particular guy whom I could not give a good rating because others ( my peers) had hustled their way to my boss to get such high ratings for themselves, that owing to the rule of the forced average, I had to get this guy in my team take one for them, although his performance was better than that. This type of micro-inequity happens all the time in life, but when the responsible person causing it is yourself, it does not sit all that well. It didn't with me. I felt a bit of heat from the said subordinate who used to hold me high regard until then. He and Is till were in touch after that year, even though we had both moved to other jobs in Shell. However, I could not help but think that his attitude to me which was earlier very robust and appreciative, and suddenly or rather gradually waned. He continued to shine brilliantly in his career, as he should. He worked harder than anyone I knew and was utterly professional. He should get as much reward as possible for those skills. But I felt he somehow put me in a box of relatively inert bosses- which is what really hurt me. He focused on warming up to other people in Shell that he believed might actually help his career. And I wasn't one of them any more. I had really moved on from all of this. Until I received a phone call from him to inform me that he had been promoted again and that he wanted to share this with me because I was also partly responsible for shaping his career. I don't know. I left Shell last year and when I did I was not full of disdain for it. But his phone call brought back a rush of memories of how my life used to be in Shell over the last 5 years or so. I had been interviewing for my next roles, and constantly being passed for promotion. It seemed that I was completely unfazed by this, but in reality I know now that I wasn't. I was deeply affected but it. It filled me with every kind of hurt emotion you can conceive. I was replete with rage on one level and on another level, I began to doubt myself. Which is a laugh actually, because I always doubted myself. But this was exacerbated. I sometimes felt, maybe I didn't deserve to be promoted any further, I had reached my maximum level of potential. This is is most toxic feeling one can possibly have, and I really think that anyone who is made to feel like this should leave the organization as soon as possible, irrespective of losses. Any income depletion can be recovered, but it is a long and winding road to psychological recovery. No one is held accountable for spreading this type of toxicity in the workplace. At the end of the day, people are just being people- they are creating hierarchies, textures, political minefields, fiefdoms and whatever else that is the nature of civilized man. The hypocrisy lies in HR departments posting that they can somehow stem this type of tide. They can't really. The individual must take care of himself at all times. There is no one else that owes him anything. And neither does he, beyond the labour associated with this pay. I was languishing in Shell a good number of years in the end, which also saw the advent of Covid. All in all, this toxicity was building up and swimming inside my deepest recesses- without so much as revealing anything outwardly. Fortunately, I managed to find another job. It was not with a well known firm, but it was enough. I made decision, after much internal debate, that I had to take it and I had to leave Shell. And I did. Fast Forward 10 months, I have no regrets. I did well this year in my new company, was able to gain some trust and also my scores as a leader of team was the highest of any of the departments. So, in just a few months of leaving Shell, I was fast shedding all the toxic tissue that'd made me, amongst other things, doubt my  leadership capabilities