January 29th, 2024

 As I now find myself in a job at a local UAE firm, I wanted to reflect on my state of mind a few years earlier, around early 2020. Covid was about to hit but hadn’t quite yet. Over the last 2 years, while I was in a role in Iraq, I had been trying to land my next role. This, in Shell, is as much one’s job as the role itself. Most ambitious people devote 50% of their time to finding the next role- which automatically means they cannot really achieve anything of consequence in their role. Not that it mattered. If someone asks me today if I am happy with my decision to quit Shell in mid 2023, I would have to honestly say that I should have done this in 2020. This is where I felt quite exhausted with the Shell way. Not just with a sense of cynicism as with a sense of fatigue. There is no place that is likely not to generate a sense of futility -at least on some days. But if the will to motor on begins to wane, I think there is not reason to continue. Somehow, it seemed at the time to not make sense to look outside of Shell. It was a behemoth in the oil and gas space, and was generally regarded a good place to be- not to mention the sense of security that came with it. With every passing year, the number of jobs in Supply Chain seemed to dwindle, so the job security bit was not the same as before. However, if for any reason one was asked to leave for want of a role, they would be compensated with a severance that was incredibly generous. All of this played on my mind and am sure it played on others minds too. But none of this actually is the right way to think about it. Ultimately, our time on the planet is finite and with every passing year gets thinner. We simply must have the courage to push ourselves out of comfort zones and try new things. Even if it means some compromise financially. Not to say do something utterly stupid wherein you cannot now somehow provide for your family in the same way that you did. But within reason, if aspects have to be compromised, in order to experiment- then that is a go- it should always be. I say all of this now that I have moved on form Shell. In the years leading up to 2020, I was not in that state at all. Here is a diary entry from back then. What is also interesting to see is my references to long drawn flu attacks. While it seems I am suffering from it now, it goes to show this has been a recurring theme for many years. It should be noted that this is state of mind from 3 years ago, and not my immediate state of mind in 2023 that led to me finally leave. That will be the subject of another post.

“Today am having another bout of a deep and creeping malaise- both mentally and physically. Towards the end of my India trip I contracted some vile virus that made me unprecedentedly sick- not the usual flu this it was something a lot more toxic and lasted way longer. Even after the initial recovery there is lethargy and a bad taste in the mouth that makes pretty much all food taste like cardboard. I seem to be slowly getting better but the mind is descending again into dungeons of self pity as it is wont to do when something is not right- but of course now it is compounded by the fact that the body is not in top form either. The mind is not right because it seems to me that I should have landed a job by now but haven’t- and I get reminded of that incessantly- people around me seem far more worried about it than I. For my own part, I have been applying for roles slightly above my weight but nevertheless credible options- or so I thought. One interview and a few outright rejections thus far. I have had a few of these in 2006 too but did not think that after a 12 year stint at the same company with reasonable success, I would still have to go through this process. I was hoping that I just had to do my job and decent things would keep touching me automatically. I am not naive - i was just hoping this would happen against hope- because it would then obviate the need to expend energy in the job hunting arena- the marketing, politicking and preparing immaculately for interviews. None of which excite me- but need to be done. I can do it to an extent if i really put my mind to it. But i dont think it is a natural state for me so there will always be others that nip me here-and that is the worry/ I don’t think i am ready to adopt a different style that goes against my nature- especially since the upside is moderate at best.  I am reaching out to people and expecting they will beg me to take a role with them- what is happening is the exact opposite. Everyone is guarded in their counsel - almost discouraging me to apply because they feel there will be heavy competition. And I am thinking, surely I am competitive? Have you looked at my credentials, skills, experience and track record?  But I am not whining about it- just surprised because while I am not sure If would make a great banker , I think I got this supply chain stuff- been at it for 12 years and done well.  But there are certainly some gaps and I am yet to have the courage to stare them in the face let alone take corrective action. Because I just couldn't be bothered. I would have thought that Shell would try to retain me but so far I don’t feel any love. Correction, they probably want to retain me, but have no plans for growth. Have you ever got the “what would you like to do with your career?” question? - a bit like the erstwhile kolkata yellow ambassador taxi driver that asks you “ where would you like to go today?” And when you mention it they just refuse on one pretext or another until exasperated you beseechingly ask them where indeed then would THEY like me to go- and maybe I can arrange my destination plans around their wishes....? I am thus ready to flip it right back to hiring managers and ask- “ do you even see me somewhere or not really and then maybe you can just be authentic and say it so I deal with it and dont constantly make an ass of myself in these open resourcing rounds”

Don’t give me any job I say- just pay me redundancy- but they probably wont do that either, it is an expensive option for them. The cheapest option for them is to keep me hanging around. It is almost a bit exhilarating to know that in the next few months I will know what lies ahead and it could be anything including nothing at all.  People go through difficult life experiences. Raghu had a cardiac arrest and was clinically dead for 6 mins before recovering eventually. Gaurav is fighting a bitter divorce- by contrast I am fighting to find a role- except I just don’t think I am fighting enough. We’ll see what lies ahead.