April 9, 2024

We don't realise how confusing it is to raise kids. In the previous generation, one can argue that the kids raised themselves, The kids were many and the guardians few. Even though the mother did not work, she was busy with other domestic duties. The kids just hung around and soaked in whatever they saw and heard. Now it seems to be a combination of using a playbook - which forces us to ensure that the kid does this or that by this or that time- and regarding carefully what peer parents are doing.  Even earlier there was a slight fear amongst parents that their kids might not amount to much. And yet, somewhere deep inside, they know that would be ok too. They would survive and it was still worth it. Bringing kids into this world, as I reflect, is an insanely illogical thing. The odds are not as good as we think that everything will go as planned. We dont want suffering for our kids, but we all know that they must suffer. We must all- and it is in this suffering that we will find some meaning and purpose- not to mention the elusive wherewithal to deal with it. And yet we try our best to ensure that they dont suffer-we plan for their future - some of us obsessively, and with a lot of toxicity - comparing them to other kids. It creates stress for ourselves, and somehow tells the kids that they have to win in a conventional sense, else all is lost.  We ourselves know this not to be true- but we learn this later than sooner. Here I have, what I think, is a unique take on parenting. I think it is better to have kids when one is older. The Europeans do this but probably for different reasons. They want to party and get wasted to their heart's content when they are young before they feel spent enough to now enter a more structured world of parenting. However, I think there are benefits for having them young obviously. They live more frugally and are prone to more hardship than if they were born later as then , all other things being equal, the parents might have more means at their disposal to elevate the kid's existence materially. This frugal habit is not to be scoffed at- it builds a muscle memory for hardship that can build resilience later. Not to mention that when the kids are out - the parents are still young and can "enjoy" being empty nesters and roaming the world without a care. However, I think this is mightily overrated. I don't know that many young empty nesters that would rather not have the kids around instead. It offers far more joy and after a point it is no longer a chore. This is also the point I have about suffering. Every suffering eventually becomes something that defines you. Parenting is initially viewed as suffering- which it is most definitely. But as you go through it, it becomes you. Then it cannot be labelled as suffering, in spite of it all , you would generally not have it any other way. There are certain aspects about the human condition that offer a very deep seated peace. Having kids and/or pets are part of that. Sleeping with multiple partners, while desirable on the face of it, is not part of that. It is so ironic that the negatives are always positives in the end.  Anything pleasurable in the short term is probably not valuable. Anything tasty is probably bad for your health. Who made it this way? These notions are well known and tried and tested for as long mankind has viewed itself socially. 

Coming back to parenting at an older age, I think the chances are higher that as a parent you will do more than just push your kids into competition with other kids. I think the modern schooling environment, coupled with the proliferation of information available to them at their fingertips will orient them in this way automatically- maybe for some a bit later than sooner- but soon enough. Rather what would be useful is to make them understand that one of the key life skills is being able to enjoy oneself- and do it with things that cost as less money as possible- best if they are free. This is the ultimate insurance against anything that life may throw at them that does not suit their fancy. Now this type of Parental Advisory is more likely to come from older parents since many of them are themselves getting bombarded from all quarters with this epiphany. Kids don't have spiritual gurus in school- nor at home if their parents are young. 

I have tried to analyze why many current parents behave like rather obstreperous prime-movers of their kids’ future. There is an argument to be made where there is data to show that this can reap rich dividends- take the case of Andre Agassi, His autobiography, which to date has to be my most favorite and inspiring one ( and I am not that much into tennis), states vividly his strife in the early years on account of his father. The dad made him practice to the point of making him lose his peace. And yet, he is the first to admit that that had a lot to do with him becoming Andre Agassi in the end. 

The other argument is that there is a fear, especially amongst people who identify as the Indian Middle tor Upper Middle Class, that their kids will lose out to other kids if they don’t make them grind it out. This fear psychosis is probably also felt by many other community groups across the world that identify with the Indian Middle Class Archetype. Singaporeans are the same. I suspect so are large swathes of Chinese. The fact is that there needs to be some push- the question is how much. Too much and you lose the kids- they will rebel or completely shut themselves out- particularly when they find that they are pushing hard but not seeing any results. Too little and there is the risk that they will take it too easy and under-achieve. Personally, I think one can take steps to mitigate the latter and so avoid for the most part the former. All you need to say to your kid- is that one day , very soon, they will leave the house and then they will be on their own. And they will not have access to any residual wealth- but that they will have make something of themselves. It is in their best interest to reflect on this and chart a course that gives them the best chance of doing just that. I think, as long as your kids are above a certain threshold of IQ - which does not have to be very high- they can and should be spoken to more often than not, like adults. Especially now, since they are far more informed than we had been at their age.

The final argument is that the parents pushing for this are compensating for their personal under-achievement ( at least in their own eyes). This is the one driver that is truly to be monitored with utmost care by someone in the family other than the “pusher”. Because this is not about the kids at all and therefore there are likely to be no boundaries, absolutely none. And the sad part is that in 99% of the cases this under-achievement is only perceived as such because of our desire to label success monolithically- and to rub it in from all quarters both socially and within social media. I certainly don’t have an answer for that other than a very philosophical one - which is unlikely to fly for most people in the real world