January 1st 2024

Last night was a massive disappointment for me. After whatever rounds of practice, something strange happened to Atanu on stage. I wasn't expecting him to be perfect, given this was his singing debut - and decidedly he is not a strong singer. But he simply destroyed the performance for me. Every song was slightly out of tune, frequently out of sync and also there were songs like Hotel California, where I was to sing and he was to come in during the chorus. He sang the verse, and he came in early- thus messing up the sequence. I looked at Ranajoy despairingly, because there was scant that he could do as an arranger keyboardist. The beat was the beat- the sequence was the sequence. There is no course correction possible. I was realized I was really distraught after the gig ended as I tried to mingle ineffectively with the rest of the party goers. I was not in a chatty mood. I took Ranajoy aside and told him I am never playing with Atanu again. However, this is a much tougher proposition than it sounds. He is a family friend. We could not criticise him else it was very likely to destroy our friendship- I had no intention of doing that. And yet, there seemed to be no other way. He was no singer, and I had been forewarned of this fact by many, and particularly Prodipto. He was an honest trier, but had no experience on stage and it was evident that the moment got the better of him. The worst part was he had not much idea how badly he had performed. He was of the opinion that he had a few small mistakes but overall, the show was great.

Well, not for me it wasnt. However, there were positives- the biggest one was the fact that Ranojoy and I were able to create a very clean and full band sound with our twin keyboards- something that could really accompany a good vocalist for live performance at a very high level of quality. 

But aside and in spite of this positive, the first of the year was heavily spent in regret for having anything to do musically with Atanu the previous night. In parallel, I was palpably aware that it was the 1st of January- and somehow, I always feel this is a day to be productive, and not merely languish but most certainly not sulk. So I figured out the chords and strumming for "Zara sa Dil" by KK on my acoustic, took Neo for a haircut and a Dosa breakfast, finished the rest of the book I was reading ( which was a life-skill, resilience type of volume- the kind that proliferates the market nowadays thanks to unknown American practitioners of an age-old practice- "How to live your life". I must admit having read the first half of the book while in Kolkata, I was unimpressed with the sheer banality of the content and almost wanted to leave it behind while returning to Dubai. I also did not read a page on the plane. But where my mindspace was today, I think it did its bit to make me somewhat more centered. I am grateful, thus, for that. I also intended to include excercise, which I only partially achieved. I went for a swim but curtailed it quickly as what had started as a cloudy day became progressively sunny while I was in the pool- and I did not want to return to office the following day with sunburn. But one can see, I was trying to be a busybee pottering about, instead of lying on my bum all day. I was also meant to attend Atanu's birthday lunch at his home- but I made up an excuse not to go. I was not up for engaging socially, and also I did not want to have Atanu bring up the gig last night. It may lead to me saying the wrong (right) thing given it was still preying on my mind, and that was not ideal for the man to be on the receiving end of this- most certainly not on his birthday, not to mention the first day of a new year. P went instead, and I am glad I did not go. In a few days, tranquility shall return to my person and all will be forgiven, but hopefully not forgotten!

This year my initial thoughts were to prioritise Family and Writing over Music- but now I am still in a dilemma about whether I should truly deprioritise music or may be re-imagine my engagement with it. In 2024, I have performed with amateurs (and rather weak ones at that) across forums and formats- folk, acoustic, rabindrasangeet, indian classical, electric rock, pop and dance. A lot of lessons for me because I don't think I have ever performed with people who were palpably poorer musically than me. When I reflect on my Jhalmuri or Lunchboxes days, I was in bands with proper drummers, bassists, vocalists and guitarists. I was always in a role as a "proper" keyboardist and backing vocalist. This past year helped me elevate my own status in my own eyes. I was better than I had thought. This does not mean I should do less- but it does mean I should do less with musicians who are lesser. This does not seem like a good use of my time. I can accept the tribulations associated with my musical adventures in 2024 given I was making some sort of a comeback in performing, after years- infact a decade. The last year where I had performed was in 2014- with Neo just about break out into the world. I was on stage with my phone on- awaiting a dreaded water-break call from P- potentially in the middle of a song. Luckily that did not happen, and eventually Neo arrived the following day. But a decade is a reasonable hiatus wherein, it would take time to get back in the groove. During this time, I had re-invented myself as a potential solo performer as well where I started singing and playing acoustic guitar.  So, 2024 was just to express the entire range of my repertoire as broadly as possible- and I think I have achieved that. Most people who know me in the community view me as someone talented musically. Having established this credibility I am tempted to now limit my musical associations with everyone except those that can play at my level. It is far from arrogance- although it may sound like it. It is prioritising the quality of music performed, over any other consideration. The problem is, and I know from my Singapore experience, if you do this, the community that kept offering you platforms will endeavour to shut you down since you don't bring as much to the table for them. Not to mention individual relationships that will take a hammering. How one is to balance the situation requires some creative thinking. Which is for another day.